A friend once described introducing a second child into a family as similar to how it may feel if your husband was to bring home another woman. You’d feel cheated on and deceived. To my son Roman, this is exactly how he has felt when introducing a new child into the mix!
And for good reason! He’s 2 1/2 years old and unable to fully comprehend what has happened as well as unable to vocalize his feelings and thoughts. In other words, it has been challenging!
So my job as a mother has gone into overdrive for the past 4 weeks since my daughter Isabella was born. It is on us as parents to be supportive, empathetic, and extra nurturing to help our firstborn transition as well as possible.
Being a “Terrible 2” with unpredictable, spastic outbursts can often be a lot to manage as is. Tossing a new baby into the mix, disrupting Roman’s “normal,” has sent him into full-blown disaster mode at times.
When Roman walked into the hospital room, hours after I delivered Isabella, he was thrilled to see me, having not seen me since the previous night. But as soon as I picked up his sister and invited, “Come up to the bed and see your sister,” he pointed and screamed. The look on his face shouting, “What are you doing?! Put her down. You’re my mommy!” For better or worse, Roman had never really seen me holding other children. To him, I was all his–sharing me was never an option.
Realizing he now has to share his mom has inspired a new level of tantrums. And I, desperately wanting to make my son happy and feel secure, am trying everything I can to minimize his feelings of neglect. Truth is, I feel bad for him, like I’m taking something away from him. Because the reality is my attention is diluted. It has to be. I have to both care for him and his sister. We women like to think we can give 100% to all our children, but when we’re helping one, we’re kinda ignoring the other. And that is something we must learn how to balance.
I’m fortunate to have a nanny to take him to his classes and grocery shopping, doing what I usually do with him. But that is still not enough. He wants my attention and love. So I’ve consistently tried to validate him, reassuring him that I am still his mom, that I am still here for him, that yes, I know it is hard to think you have to share me. I have made time to do things we usually do: walks outside, playing trucks, lots of affection.
Of course, your friends and family will validate your decision to grow your family, and reassure you your firstborn will grow accustomed to the change and soon won’t feel jealous. That having a second child is worth it. But even still, it’s not an easy transition, and I think this is often glazed over and not thoroughly discussed!
When Roman has a screaming fit, sometimes I will calmly say, “It’s okay, baby is here too,” while other times say, “Work it out,” and I walk away. Every situation is different, but justifying his feelings and trying to not get frustrated myself is key!
We can’t have expectations from our children beyond their capabilities. We must realize this is the stage they’re in. Our children can be loose cannons–I know Roman for sure can be! But we must adapt and remain as calm and balanced as possible. If I have to walk him out of the room, then I walk him out of the room. If our children are screaming and freaking out in public, we may feel embarrassed, like others are judging us, but this is all part of parenting. It’s both challenging and rewarding, and being strategic and unconditionally loving makes all the difference!